Riding the Rollercoaster - My thoughts on Infertility

I have been doing a bit of research into IVF today by reading blogs written by other women who have gone through this process. All of this reading and research has left me with a feeling of being overwhelmed and sad at the same time. For many of these women IVF was not successful the first time, or in some cases even the second or third times. The past 2 years have been such a rollercoaster of emotions. From looking for doctors, to getting Peter's genetic test back and realizing that we have a very real possibility of passing down cystic fibrosis to our child, to our most recent serious decision of using donor eggs. These past 2 years have been exhausting.

Those comments made at parties, "So when are you going to have a little one?"(usually made on the same day that wonderful Aunt Flow decides to arrive) doesn't help the situation either. I feel like these last few months I am like a fragile glass that at the slightest touch could shatter. Some days are good, where we do receive good news; having our initial consultation with Dr. Dayal was one of them. Some days are bad, where I just curl up into a little ball and cry; the day we received the results from Peter's genetic test was one of those days.

I told Peter the other night when we were discussing IVF, that in the beginning of TTC I felt that I was very optimistic about the whole situation. I would even take those dollar store pregnancy tests at 10 dpo just to see if I could see a squinter. I don't want to say that I am necessarily narcissistic about TTC now, I just feel like I have built up my hopes and expectations every cycle just to have them come crashing down. I'm not going to lie, its hard to stay optimistic and positive when your body has let you down so many times in the past.

Venturing into the world of IVF has me scared shitless. Not only because it's a lot of money, but it also is not a for sure thing. When you spend $20,000 on a car you expect to get a good product that will last you a long time. Not so much in the case of IVF. After signing that $20,000 check, there is still a possibility that you won't end up with a baby in your arms at the end of the process.

I am sorry if this post makes me sound sad and depressed, it is just the uncertainty of it all is starting to get to me. However, I know that I need to hold my head high and that it will hopefully be all worth it in the end. Bring on the shots, the side effects from the medications, the many bruises which I am sure I will have, and all of the poking and prodding. I am ready for this rollercoaster of emotions that I am about to endure.